i just don't understand why no one gets how much i really hate being alone.

i hate not knowing where i'll be a year from now. it's always bothered me, for as long as i can remember. so the only way around it is i make up scenarios:
-if i get into any of the schools i am applying to i will obviously go
-if not, i will move home, join a gym, go back to acting school & get an agent.

either option will make me happy, so i guess those are the best things to think about. but i don't know what sort of attitude i should have. should i a) say "i will get in"? or b) say "it's okay if i don't get in anywhere." i was taught to always think positively and to say that you will get what you want because then the "universe" will hear me and it will happen. however, personal experience has taught me that if it's too good to be true, well, that's just what it is. and that the more i say i will get something, the more upset i will be if it doesn't work out.

i hate these complexes.

one door closes & another one opens, right? i have 25.5 transferable credits at this moment, therefore i cannot apply to any UC's yet & i have to transfer as a sophmore, which means i get to do college in 5 years, rather than 4. i am not too bummed about either though. i really don't want to go to any UC's, i'd rather be at my other schools (i have decided i am no longer going to mention the names of the schools that i want to go to because i feel like i am going to jinx it). and the whole 5 year thing isn't too bad, my mom did it too.

however, the day after finding all that out i got a call from a DJ at KJEE (it's like KROQ) saying they were interested in me coming in about the internship i applied for. it took me off because i wasn't being very serious in the application and i figured they'd never call me, so why not? but they did and i went in and met a bunch of the guys that work there and got a tour of the studio. after 10 minutes i was hired and i start on tuesday at 7am. yes, 7am.

i am starting to do that whole, if-i-don't-get-in-anywhere,-i-am-just-going-to-do-this thing & it's freaking me out. i just wish someone would say "you want to go to this school, do this & that & you'll get in for sure".

today was a good day. i finally broke that monday-thursday routine i was begining to hate.

i woke up earlier than normal, read, went to my poli sci. i talked in class, and i only 1/2 sounded like an idiot(yay, megan!). met rhiann at the red bench. we went to the sb zoo. it was so nice being there. you see, our anthropology class got canceled because we have this primate assignment due next monday, so we decided to take that time & spend it at the zoo. time well spent. i love elephants, i really do. they are so peaceful and calming.

i saw my poli sci teacher after class & he called me "tripper", whatever that means.

i went shopping for my halloween costume, no luck. five places and NO ONE has what i want. but i am going to improvise. i almost died though, one-way streets + me = trouble.

i just read 7 poems and i need my bed.

some days, like today, there is not an ounce of me that wants to do homework. i hate day like this, & yet at the same time, i secretly love them.

i've been daydreaming a lot lately. and it's never been about the same thing, or anything that is really important. i generally go from one thought to the other. this morning for example, i was driving to school and i began thinking about a song i was listening to, then i started thinking about the homework that i have to do tonight, which led me to thinking about my english teacher that i had a crush on, which led me to thinking about my outfit for tomorrow. then all of a sudden i got out of my daydream and realized i had driven to school without even realizing it. i was pretty much not conscious the entire time i drove! and i miraculously made it to school in one piece.

i reallyyy don't want to apply to colleges.
i have a serious issue with rejection.

i knew that if i was in LA last night i would have been up super late, so last night i tried to stay up, even though i am still in santa barbara. sadly i only made it til 1 am, even though my roommate who always goes to be before me was still out.
but i woke up too early and i was upset because if i was in LA i'd still be sleeping. but i got up regardless and decided that today needed to be a productive day.
i worked out for an hour & it felt good. i still have a lot of pent up anger and it feels good to take it all out on the elliptical.
i came back to my apartment, had lunch and waited for the maintenance guy to finish fixing our toilets. when he left we went to kmart, trader joes & albertsons. we bought a lot of stuff which made me really happy. we came home, cleaned out all the cabinets and fridge and put everything in an ordered fashion. that made me even happier.
now melissa is making hamburgers and alex is making fries and i am going to finish reading my book so i can start on "fugitive pieces".

today has been a livejournal worthy day... in other words: it's been one of those days
-i over-drafted my account because my mom put my money in my savings acct instead of my checking.
-when i went to the bank to transfer my money over they wouldn't do it because it's a "custodial account", whatever that means.
-the computers in the library at school shut off, well, all the electricity did. so i couldn't finish taking notes for my anthro test i had this afternoon.
-i was late to my pointless class, political science
-i walked too fast today (yes, that matters)
-lunch... well, lunch wasn't bad. i just hate spending money
-i FAILED my anthro test. no wait, i embarrassed myself with that test
-i did miserably on helping rhi with her math work. it should have made me feel better, but instead i felt dumber.
-i still cannot figure out the difference between the deluxe version & the normal version of the "across the universe" soundtrack... which if anyone wants to get me a late bday gift, HINT HINT.

i am now changing my career path... i am going to be a zoo keeper.

EDIT: wamu now charges $30 for overdraft fees, rather than the normal &27 & i got THREE. & i now have to read an entire book tonight. FUCK.

gossip girl starts tonight! they better not fuck it up (even though they already did cause jenny is supposed to have reallyy big boobs & their jenny is pretty close to flat).

what is it about social events (i.e. parties) that makes me feel so insecure? when a guy comes up to my friend(s) and i and asks her a million question, but not one to me i feel small & inadequate. i begin to think about something cool to say, something that could make me seem if not better, at least on her level, but i end up with nothing. i have done nothing with my life and am just like every other girl (or at that point i begin to feel less than that). it's these instances that make my drive home depressing and leave me quiet as i fill my head with thoughts. thoughts about how i am nothing great and how i need to change. how i need to wake up tomorrow and eat healthy, sign up for the gym & do all my homework. but i know myself, i will wake up in the morning, eat nothing but crap, spend my last dollars on gas and food, and probably not even crack open a school book. and you can forget about the gym, that'll never happen.

i get it, i really do. it's college & i should take what i get. a B is a good grade & i shouldn't complain. but when i feel like i deserve something, i know i must have deserved it cause i rarely feel this way. in fact, i have never felt this way before cause i am that pessimistic girl that thinks i deserve all bad & nothing good. & now i just feel defeated. he told me i was so close to getting the a, which in teacher terms means i could have given you the a, but _____. but i keep trying to think of what would go into that blank & nothing comes up! i was persistent, hard working & i did all that i could (at least i think i did). & of course now i am obsessing over what i could have done differently & i know myself so well that i will only go down from here. i was obsess and that will distract me from actually focusing on what is in front of me, which will cause me to get overwhelmed and upset, which leads me to being in tears. sometimes i hate how well i know myself.

summer is no more. i am back in santa barbara (the whole LA thing was just a whole mess) & just started my second year at SBCC today. english 111, sociology 101, physical anthropology, & american gov't & politics oh & of course the gym. i am so stoked for this semester. i have a really good feeling about it.

recap on summer: texas, LA, clubbing, random people, being with nikki every day i was in LA, going out every night, vegas, summer session (anthro 113), new friends, staying at rhianns house for 6 weeks, non-stop fun, san diego, san francisco, LA again, shopping, sami & katie.

it's been fan-fucking-tastic.

i told my mom, well, she sorta told me actually & now it's just weird.

funny how i cried on my way back to LA.

i am so sick of being unappreciated. & it's getting really annoying how once i stand up for myself i get attacked for every little thing i never did.

it's about that time that i begin to freak out. i have a paper due in 2 days & all i've done thus far is take notes out of my book but those notes are not nearly enough. i still have to do internet research & probably go to the library. fuck fuck. i can't let this take the best of me, i need to just push through it but the later is so much easier.

at least i went to church.

i'm starting to feel kind of left out.

SB or LA?